Sometimes, we just need a good laugh… and it is Sunday…
In a stunning move that promises to reshape the world energy landscape while simultaneously addressing raging cultural-religious problems, God has revealed a bold new energy plan through his chosen earthly mouthpiece, Pat Robertson.
“Christianity is under attack from all sides,” Robertson declared on his popular television program, the 700 Club, “Secularists, Muslims, Jews, and many others threaten our very Christian way of life, and we are forced to deal with these unsavories in order to maintain the lifesyle that God has ordained for us.
“Until now, it has been a mystery as to why God chose to put America’s rightful energy resources underneath the blasphemous and violent muslims, rather than in our own lands. In this hour, however, God has revealed a part of his great plan to me – nothing less than a new source of energy for his chosen people, the Americans.”
Roberston went on to reveal the foundation of God’s new energy plan: the clean, renewable production of energy from the burning of heretics. According to Robertson, even though the energy that can be harnessed from the burning of a single heretic is relatively small, the resource is abundant, with large reserves spread all over the world. Another benefit, in addition to the widespread availablility of this resource, is the ease of refinment.
“There’s no drilling required,” said Christian energy expert Rev. Harold Lee, “Cause all them heretics is right up here on the surface. It’s just a matter of smoking them out, so to speak.”
“Them Heretics burn real good.” Lee added.
Reactions to God’s proposal have been mixed, though many, if not all detractors would surely serve as fuel under the deity’s new program.
“These kinds of comments are outrageous, bigotted, and border on incitement to genocide.” said Massachusetts Democratic Senior Senator Edward Kennedy, whose large, alcohol soaked frame is expected to generate many BTUs for the true followers of Christ.
Now if we could just figure out a way to tap the heat from Hell, we’d be in good shape…